Yin vs YangThe Battle for Success in Life

photo credit

Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

Everyone in life has their position. Whether at work, in your own business, in sports, at the dinner table, financially, or even in your personal relationships, their is an element of positioning. When trying to climb the ladder of success, we are inherently trying to improve our position in life, be it at work, or in our bank account.

Accountability

The first step to fighting for a better position in life is similar to a lot of first steps: Accountability. We must understand that what ever position we are in, it is because we settled for that spot. It is not because of any other reason. We decided at some point that this particular position was good enough. It might not have been a conscience decision. You may not have even thought of it that way, but the truth is, at some point, you accepted the position you are in.

That is okay. We all settle into a position at some point, at least until it gets uncomfortable again. Then we squirm around to try and find a new position. Some of us are eager to move up. Some of us will come tumbling down, and many of us will find it easier to move laterally. Moving laterally means we switch positions, but instead of moving up or down the ladder of success, we just move a little to the right, or to the left. So, yes our position has changed, but not the level we are on. It is almost like sitting in an uncomfortable chair, and then shifting your weight. It may feel good for a minute or two, but the bottom line is, no matter how much you try to make it, the chair will never be comfortable for long.

Settling for Less

Every position you are in you have settled for. Now that we understand that, we can see that if we are unhappy with our position, then we are really just unhappy that we settled for it. The position is not the problem. That is just a space that we fill. However, if you find that space uncomfortable, or unsatisfying, then only you can make the choice to improve it. To do this, you must make a deal with yourself that you will not settle for less than what you want.

When I graduated film school, I had to do something to make money quick. My family sold their 7 year old summer camp business, and now I was on my own to earn a living again. I was engaged to be married, had no job, lived at my parent’s house, and didn’t have a clue how to make money with the skills I had with a camera.

I started out trying to write screenplays, but they just were not good enough to garner any attention. So, instead of chugging along and finding my way, I jumped at the first opportunity I had to earn a living: mortgages. A friend of mine from Jiu Jitsu owned a huge company and I was eager to make some money and get some bills to pay. At the time, it seemed like the decision to take this job was what was best my wife to be, my parents, and myself.

This is the perfect example of settling for less. I didn’t want to just pay my bills. My goal was to pay my bills doing what I was passionate about. However, as soon as it got a little difficult, I switched paths to the easier road, and convinced myself paying my bills in anyway is what was best for everyone. So yes, for a little while I got to pay my bills, but in the end, when the economy got in trouble, I was left right where I started, with more debt, higher bills, and still with the problem of trying to earn a living using a camera.

Due to this, one rule of thumb I now live by is that if I am debating a decision, and the best argument I can come up with to do something is that it is what’s best for everyone ELSE, then I will no longer do it. I have learned that it is not selfish to do what’s best for you, cause in the end, what’s best for you is really what’s best for everyone else around you.

Learning First Hand on the Mat

As with most of life, I have found the perfect analogy for this in Jiu Jitsu. Just like chess, Jiu Jitsu is a big position battle. You are constantly fighting to get a better position then your opponent. In fact, many people who watch the UFC will complain when it goes to the ground because they feel the fight is boring. If you actually trained, you would enjoy all the battling for position that goes on when it looks like these fighters are just rolling around on the ground, because you would understand the importance.

Position is extremely important in Jiu Jitsu, just like in life. And, just like life again, if you wind up in a bad position on the mat, there is no one to blame accept you. You either made an error, or gave up fighting, and now your opponent has secured a dominant position.

When you are rolling (the term for sparring) in Jiu jitsu, many times you will find yourself tired as another one of these position battles happens. For example, you are exhausted, and your opponent is holding you down in side control like the following pic…

photo credit – Side Control Position

From here, as you are trying to catch your breath to escape, your opponent begins sliding their right knee across your stomach to try and gain the following mount position.

photo credit – Mount Position

Once an opponent has the mount position, it can be very tough to survive much longer. They are in a dominant position that makes it extremely tough for you to get out without exhausting much of your energy. Many times this is the beginning of the end in a match.

So let’s review the steps one more time. An opponent who had side control while you are catching your wind, begins to slide their knee across to try and get the dominant mount position. You have two choices here.

1. You can rest up, let the opponent get the mount, and then try to fight from there.
2. You can suck it up and fight like hell to make sure the opponent never gets the knee across and secures the mount because you know the fight from there is a hell of a lot tougher then the one you face now, no matter how tired you are.

Many times as a white belt, I chose choice #1, letting my opponent advance while I recovered. This always turned out to be a mistake no matter how tired I was. By resting, I was delaying fighting a necessary battle to reach my goal of winning. Inevitably I would have to fight anyway, but now from a much worse position. Each time I thought the rest was more important when the battle started. Each time, I was wrong.

In life, it is much the same. Many times we decide not to fight for a certain position because we are tired, or we convince ourselves it is not worth it. We fail to fight for better pay, or a better deal, or a better whatever. We settle for what we don’t have to fight for and just like on the mat, we usually find ourselves still fighting that battle, but from a much worse position later on.

The Key

The best way to secure a better position in life is to always be prepared to fight for it. Identify the position you are in, and where you are trying to go. Then, even when you are tired, worn out, or it is the last thing you want, if it is relevant to your success, you must fight for it. Otherwise, you risk losing ground to many others who will be trying to pass you on their way up the ladder. Once they get ahead, it is at least twice as hard to catch up.

In Life, unlike Jiu Jitsu, instead of battling one opponent, we face a myriad of opposition every day. So these fights can come from every direction. Sometimes they don’t even appear to be a fight. However, the bottom line is, if you want a better position in life, it is not going to come easy. You have to be prepared to pay the price for the position you want, and fight like hell to maintain and improve it. The better the position, the harder the fight. It’s all relative.

So the next time you feel that something is no big deal, or you’ll just handle it later, think of your positioning. Many times, you will realize, better to fight now, rather then let it go, and have to work twice as hard later on.

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Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

Every Monday is personal development through Jiu Jitsu…

This past Friday, I spent the day in Atlantic City. After a crazy 2 hour ride through the Pine Barrens (literally through them) we finally made it. I was there to corner my friend who I train with, Ricardo Romero. He was fighting for a title shot at Louis Neglia’s Ring of Combat, a professional Mixed Martial Arts Organization, like a smaller UFC.

In fact, I saw UFC fighters Gabriel Gonzaga, Dan Miller, Nick Serra, Pete Sell, Dante Rivera, and a host of others as I always do. Each time we go down, I learn more and more about the sport just from watching the way these professionals handle themself. I am lucky enough to train with someone of Ricardo’s caliber, and it has been a great ride since he walked into our gym.

This weekend though, I saw my friend evolve. In my opinion, he went from being a talented fighter, to being great. It made me think for a minute. What does it mean to be great? After watching Ricardo’s second round Rear Naked choke of his opponent, I knew exactly what it meant. But first, let’s look at the journey to get there.

The Road to Greatness

Ricardo has been wrestling since high school. He was a star D1 wrestler at Rutgers University, and like most athletes, he kept training after his career ended. That led him to our gym, and he picked up BJJ, Muay Thai, and MMA, as quick as anyone I have ever seen. Of course, the fact he is a 220 pound athletic specimen with a long history of ground fighting also helps slightly.

However,in my opinion, even with all this talent, it took almost 2 years of fighting for Ric to become great. He is 6-0 now, with 1 DQ.  The DQ was because as he knocked his opponent out, he through a kick that hit his neck when he fell. He immediately grabbed his head like ‘why did I do that‘ before the ref even realized, but it was too late. The punch had knocked the fighter out, and he could not continue. Because of the kick to the neck, Ric was Disqualified. Therefore, he had to lose the title, and now he was fighting for his chance to reclaim it.

Learning and Evolving

I can not be sure, but I think that DQ really changed Ric’s attitude. He came into that fight too laid back, had a chance to finish it early but let it go. Then one punch to his face, and he got beat up for the next two rounds before he suddenly woke up out of his funk. It was then he threw a vicious overhand right that knocked out his opponent. However, he should have never even been in that position. He was better than that.

When you fight, it is a tough balance. You have to be calm, cool, and collected while your heart, mind, and body are going a million miles/hour. If you are too calm, you will not be aggressive enough. If you are too aggressive, you will lose all your wind too quickly, and be easy to gameplan against. You have to be somewhere in the middle. The great fighters all come out like its a day at the park. There is not too much emotion. Just a look of pure focus.

Becoming Great

Becoming great is something we all dream about. No matter if you are a fighter, a writer, or a teacher, we all want to be great at what we do. Ric has always been great. Everyone knew he could be this good. When he turns it on, there are not many who can hang with his pace. However, until this past weekend, I don’t think Ric knew it.

Sure, he knows how good he can be, and he is a relentless worker, but when you fight, the real battle is inside your head. Getting in the cage is easy. Getting to the cage in the proper frame of mind, and in the right condition, is the real battle. You have to train everyday, eat right, cut weight, travel, and then when it is time, you have to be able to bring your A game. It takes some time to get used to the whole thing, both physically and mentally.

This past weekend, Ric knew everything he wanted to do down to the minute. As we were watching the earlier fights, I kept asking him, are we going to warm up now? ‘No.’ My Instructor Brian Katz, who owns Advanced Martial Arts, kept telling him, we have to go warm up. ‘Nope, not yet’ he said. About the 9th fight, I want to go down. We didn’t agree, but okay. Whatever you say.

After the 9th fight, we went down, got his hands wrapped and signed, and began warming up. Ric was as calm and focused as I have ever seen him. He hit the pads nice and easy, warming up his body, and getting loose. Then, finally right before we were about to go to the on-deck area, he began really banging.

At the on-deck area, he continued warming up nice and easy. I got him his energy drink, which he knew exactly when he wanted to drink it. He had a plan, and no one could convince him other wise. From my perspective, another way of putting it was he was in the zone.

Accomplishing Great Things

Then came fight time. We were fighting a fighter we had become friendly with over the course of Ric’s career. He is a smart fighter, not nearly as talented as Ric, but definitely dangerous. If Ric has a weak spot, it would be his stand up. Not because he is bad at it, but just because he is so good on the ground it does not compare.

His opponent’s plan was to stand with him. As soon as the fight began though, it was all Ric’s world. He moved with the perfect blend of agression and calmness. No matter what his opponent tried to do, it was unsuccessful. Ric owned the cage. He didn’t just beat up his man. He completely shut him down. Every fighter gets beat up now and again. It comes with the territory, so it is not really a big deal. But when someone is just better than you technically in every aspect of a fight, it can be really frustrating. You feel helpless. How do you attack someone who seems invincible?

After the opponent tapped out right in front of us, we all jumped up for joy. I pumped my fist, cause I was in amazement. If Ric was a painter, this fight would be his masterpiece. He had really evolved.

That’s when it dawned on me. Ric had become a great fighter. Not cause he won. Not cause he did so well. Not even cause he finally put it all together. No, Ric became great way before this fight. It just took this fight for us to see it. Ric became great for one reason…

He believed it himself.

Believing In Your Self

What does it mean to be great? It means to believe you are, without any hint of doubt at all. There is no easy way to do this. It is something you have to work very hard to achieve. No other sport is this more apparent then Mixed Martial Arts, where it is you, your opponent, the cage, and the unexpected. 

How could I tell Ric believed he was great? This was the first time that Ric told us what to do. Throughout the night, he made comments about things he knew better now. For instance, he knew when he wanted to warm up & when he wanted to drink his energy drink. He mentioned that he wanted to try and come out more aggressive this fight. He talked about the changes he made this time around and that is proof of his evolution.

Why would a fighter want to come out more aggressive? They do because they believe more in them self. The fear of losing is a battle in itself for a fighter. No one wants to lose. However, if you fight not to lose, chances are, you will. That is the balance, or the yin and the yang, if you will. When Ric mentioned he planned to be more aggressive, I knew he was ready. He knew he was going to win. I could tell he was visualizing not only winning, but destroying his opponent.

The Key to Achieving Great Things

No matter what you do, becoming great at it is always the goal. The question is, do you become great after you do great things, or before? I believe it is before. To become great, you have to push yourself to evolve. It all starts with your mindset. Answer these questions in your head before reading on…

1. What do you want to be great at?
2. Do you really believe you can be great?
3. How do you define being great?
4. Does it matter if others recognize your greatness?

#1 is your preference. I’m sure everyone said ‘yes’ to #2. Number 3 has no right answer. Whatever you define it as is what it is. Just make sure you have some idea of a definition of greatness. As for #4, I think the answer should be no. Some may believe it is motivating to get recognition, but I believe it is distracting. Being great at something means your entire focus is on it. If you are worried about the crowd, or what your friends may say, then how can you focus on your goal?

Sometimes it takes witnessing other’s greatness to push you towards your own. Ric’s performance was inspirational. It showed proof in the fact that if you work very hard, and believe in yourself, you can become anything you want in life.

In the comments, tell me….how do you define being great?

I’ll go first…

To me, Greatness is defined by your focus. Once you become great, you have to maintain that focus each and every time in order to stay great. In order for me to be great, I must be focused on my goal and in my belief in myself. If those are equally balanced, then I can achieve anything I imagine.

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The other day, I ran into a person I went to high school with.  We both looked at each other and had that five seconds of an awkward moment when you are racking your brain trying to remember where you know each other from.  To break the awkwardness, I smiled, and put out my hand.  Immediately, he shook my hand and we began the routine ‘how have you been?’ convo.

I tend to run into a lot of people because I have known them through my family and businesses.  One of the things that I always find strange is that moment of awkwardness that happens on these chance run-ins.  You know, you have just left your home in a hurry, not looking your best.  You enter the super market all frazzled just trying to grab the necessities and get on the shortest line possible.

You finally make your way through the slow moving crowd trying not to lose any items.  You look for the shortest line and WHAM!….Right there is a person about to pay with not too many items.

You rush over to secure your spot, and drop all of the items on counter.  All of a sudden the person about to pay turns around.  It is a person you sat next to in high school for four years in homeroom.  You both look away pretending not too notice.

The obvious feeling is that who wants to talk to this person?  You really were not close in school.  You barely said hi to them then.  You owe them nothing, therefore there is no point in even talking.  Who cares if you know them?  You even hope to God that the other person feels the same way.

However, it is moments like these that successful people capitalize on by taking a different approach.

They immediately smile and say hello.  They take the lead by acting first.  It shows leadership and maturity.  It conveys authority.  All of a sudden, you are in control, whether the person wanted to speak to you or not.  Either way it always leads to the routine conversation.

That routine convo always seems to include asking each other how have you been?, do you still talk to so and so?, and the most important question of all, ‘so what are you up to now?’.  This is where I have found opportunities present themselves like never before.  This is where successful people shine.  This is why they start the conversation.  For this very question.

What are you up to now gives you a chance to speak about your business with someone new.  You never know where this will lead.  Opportunities do not present themselves.  They are like hidden Easter eggs in video games, you have to find them.

Here are 5 simple ways to find more opportunities in life:

1. Speak to as many people about what you do as possible.  It is never wrong to let people know how you can help them or their family.
2. Speak to people who you do not know.  There are many times we find ourselves next to someone on the train, or bus, or whereever.  Most of the time, I don’t speak to these people either.  However, sometimes opportunities present themselves to talk.  It is at this point the decision is ours.  Do we open up an opportunity or do we not?  Successful people almost always open up the opportunity.
3. Change your point of view.  Stop looking at these random run-ins as a drag.  They are not.  They may seem awkward, but that is because you have the opportunity to take control and create more opportunities.  So, instead of a drag, look at them as a big opportunity.
4. Be proud of what you do.  If you do something day in and day out, you should be proud of it.  If not, you may need to rethink what you do.  Because if you are not proud of it, then how can you possibly be successful at it?
5. Don’t be afraid to open up.  Many people try to put on a certain ‘face’ in front of people they are not comfortable around.  They think they better act a certain way, but it actually works against them.  Try to realize this as it happens, and then try slowly to move past it.  Opening up and being sincere may sound like it makes you vulnerable, but actually it is more effective then you can ever imagine.  The only way for me to prove it to you is to have you try it out yourself.

If anyone has anything of their own to add to the growing list, simply leave a comment below.

These are but a few of the countless ways to open up new opportunities in your life.  Next time you see someone you know, try this out.  You may be surprised.

Opening a door is always better than just guessing there is nothing behind it!

If you liked this, or any other of my writings, I would be much obliged if you clicked DIGG IT below.  Thanks in advance.

I try to display a video every Friday that provides some inspiration to our lives.  All of them are great in my opinion (big surprise there , but this one is on a whole different level.

Now,  I understand in our society that giving up 10 minutes of your day to watch a video some stranger recommended on his crazy blog is not on the top of your list of priorities.  But just for today, I am letting you know, that this is a top priority.  In fact, it is the most important 10 minutes you will spend all day.  It is 10 minutes you will not soon forget.

It always takes people facing the greatest turmoils to reveal the deepest truths in us all.

This is one last lecture you don’t want to miss.  Enjoy the video.

Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

The number one problem I think most people have is a lack of confidence.  So I have come up with a list of reasons why everyone should be confident in themselves.  Be proud of who you are by understanding exactly what, who, and where you stand in the grand scheme of things.

This list is based on a theory of mine.  The theory goes something like this:  We are all living during this time period on the earth.  Everything right now seems of major importance.  There are wars all over the world, hunger, crime, terrorism, corruption and all sorts of terrible things.  Each day, the news brings up the devastating events from the day before.  For each person involved in those events, the memories can scar for a lifetime.

But if we were to pretend for a second that we were not of this world.  That the world was a TV show we are watching.  A long running TV show that has been on for longer than we could ever imagine.  The show changes a lot, but mostly it is the same routine.  Every day, when something major happens on the show, we know it is just a small event in a much larger series.  The same is true for life.

Human life is just a small spec in the history of the world.  Before us, there were countless other creatures to rule the planet for various periods of time.  Time itself seems endless, b/c no one is quite sure how long it has been around.  Basically, almost any event, no matter how major, will be completely forgotten in the next 1,000 years. Time has a way of burying its past.  So should you.

I am writing all of this to hopefully help open up your eyes.  Though events today seem like the most important events to ever happen, they are not.  Most of these events barely matter in the grand scheme of things.  Yet, during these major events, or even minor ones, many of us get caught up in the pressure.  We get nervous, scared, hesitant, and become a shell of ourselves.  We panic at the thought of messing up the present.

Well, I am here to tell you it has to stop.  Nothing is as crazy as it seems no matter what it is.  Try to relax and step back for a moment each day.  Think about all the crazy days in high school when you the thought the world was over b/c someone was mad at you.  Life today is very similar.  Except we are out of high school and in real life.  Yet, we still are in a small section of a large world.  Even if things fail miserably in one place, you can always move to another, just like transferring schools.

The most important thing, though, is to be able to step back and relax.  Changing jobs or locations, and not your habits, will only delay the inevitable.  So what we need to do is to remember that everything is not as important as it seems because life will go on.  Therefore, we don’t need to constantly judge others, or ourselves, based on these seemingly major events.  The reality is, these events are not so major at all.  In fact, they are actually quite petty.

And if something is petty, then we should have no fear of it.  We should be confident that we can overcome it, no matter what it is.  Humans are a highly adaptable species.  They can overcome the seemingly insurmountable with just pure will.  Chances are, if you are reading this, that you are human.  Therefore you are also very adaptable and able to overcome the seemingly insurmountable with just your willpower.

Here are 10 reasons to be extra self-confident in your ability to overcome anything:

1. Whatever problem you have, someone has probably had something similar happen before.  You are probably not the first, and definitely not the last.  How did they handle it?

2. Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone wishes those mistakes never happened.  But not everyone is able to sit back and gain a valuable lesson from their mistake.  Are you?

3. You are a unique individual with an amazing talent that no one else has.  This is not an opinion or a hope.  This is a fact.  The reason I say this is it has to be true.  You see all talents are based on experience and genes.  Therefore, since you have a unique set of genes, and a unique life experience unlike anyone else, there has to be something that sets you apart.  It is a simple fact.

4. If your self-confidence is low, write down the reasons as if you were describing another person.  Hang that list up and try to attack one of those items at a time.  Each day, you will do something to change the outcome of just one item on your list.  You will concentrate on one item at a time until it’s fixed.  Only then will you move on to another item.  Do not try and fix the whole list all at once.  One item at a time.  And remember, everyone has a list they can make, so don’t feel stupid.  By taking action you have already begun to change your confidence level.

5. Confidence is defined by Oxford American Dictionaries as….’The feeling of self-assurance rising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.‘  No where does it say your confidence arises from others.  Confidence is a personal issue.  Things you accomplish may raise your confidence only because you have proved to yourself it can be done. But true confidence comes from deep within your soul.  True confidence is not deterred by what others think.  True confidence even trumps repetitive failure.  You don’t need success to be confident.  However, you do need confidence to continually be successful.

6.  Finish this sentence:  You are the only person you know of that has ever……

7.  Everyone has an opinion, and most of them will not match yours.  This is okay.  Do not take it personally when one person believes differently than you.  This goes for your confidence level as well.  If someone thinks that you are not good enough, not talented enough, and is not confident in your abilities, it does not make it is a fact.  What it does mean is it is true for them at that moment.  For that moment, you were not good enough in THEIR OPINION.  That is okay.  That does not mean tomorrow, or next week, or next month, the opposite won’t be true.

8.  No one’s opinion should hold no more weight than your own. Everyone has an opinion.  So do you.  Picture it as if everyone has $1.  If everyone has $1, then everyone has something of equal value.  Just because someone’s dollar is slightly different than yours with different numbers, designs, or years produced, doesn’t mean it does not hold the same value.  Anyway you look at it, it is still just a $1.

9. Success is defined as never giving up.  It is not a secret.  It is not a trick.  It is not something that happens over night.  Success is the sum of continual confidence and relentless determination.  Success is not achieved by accident, rather it is the product of our own willpower. Success is a choice you make.  Make the choice to be successful.  Remember that choice will help you hurdle over every little obstacle along the way.

10.  Just by reading this list you have already made an effort to improve your life.  You are already determined to have more success than the average person.  So be confident, be proud, and remember that no one is quite like you, and that is the best card you have to play in the crazy game of life.

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When I read a title like the one above I always laugh at the finality of it. It makes it sound as if your life will be changed forever into everything you ever dreamed simply by reading this. As if reading something can have that significant of an affect on someone.

Well what if it could? What if I told you that not only by reading this, but by actually following it, you can have anything you want in life? Anything at all. Would you believe it?

Me neither, so I’m not making any drastic promises.

But I am going to tell you that the following, although not much of a secret, can help you achieve any goal you have. I am going to talk about a not so secret key to everything you want in life. It is called ‘Self-Discipline’, something we all could use a little more of.

I feel our education system, and general 20th century culture, killed the reputation of the word ‘discipline’. Discipline became something children had to rebel against in school. Discipline became a trait only necessary for soldiers. Discipline meant doing your chores after dinner. Discipline got a bad rap.

“Self-discipline refers to the training that one gives one’s self to accomplish a certain task or to adopt a particular pattern of behaviour, even though one would really rather be doing something else. For example, denying oneself of an extravagant pleasure in order to accomplish a more demanding charitable deed. Thus, self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be a synonym of ‘self control‘. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one’s desires.” ….from Wikipedia

Discipline is a trait that takes time to build. It is built one decision at a time and is one of the tougher traits to obtain. Being disciplined is quite a challenge. As a matter of fact, the best way to build any discipline is to practice it each day. Practice discipline in any way possible. Becoming very disciplined gives you quite an edge in life.

Accomplishing a goal is all about traveling along a path from a starting point until you reach it. The definition of self-discipline mentions that it is “to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one’s desires.” However, instead of substituting self discipline for motivation, use them together!

For example, let’s say you want to lose weight. You have a number you would like to weigh, and you have the number you actually do weigh. The first day, you are motivated, eager, and ready to go. However, this motivation is fleeting. Within a week, you are not so motivated at the thought of continuing to miss your favorite food. That thought you were holding on to that motivated you in the beginning is starting to fade. You need to change it up by adding in ‘self-discipline.’

Tell yourself you are going to be disciplined. Actually say the word ‘discipline’ to yourself. Remember, that by making the choice of being disciplined each time, you have no choice but to reach your goal. Motivation is great for getting started on any journey, but without adding in self-discipline, your motivation will only last so long. Be prepared for these moments of weakness in advance.

Reaching any goal, in business or individually, is the culmination of many individual choices. Motivation alone will only get you started. It is the incredible combination of motivation & self-discipline that breeds success. Think of it like an MMA fighter.

A fighter doesn’t just get into a cage motivated to fight. A good fighter accepts a fight and sets a regimented training program. They discipline themselves to prepare for the fight each day. They don’t know what they will face each day, but they know they have to face it. By the time they get into the cage, they are so prepared, it is just a matter of trying to execute their plan.

That’s exactly how any of us should attack a goal. Start with a little motivation, but remember, you will only reach where you want to go by adding in the key ingredient of self-discipline to finish what motivation started.

Writing about this is going to cause some laughter in my family. Growing up, I was the total opposite of what I am about to tell you. I had a huge issue with respect. If someone, in my opinion, was mean or disrespectful to me then I unleashed a hell hath fury like never before. What I’ve learned over the years, after much trial and error, is that kindness is more of a killer than any hell hath fury could ever be.

I’m not talking about being nice in general. That should be a given. I am talking about being relaxed, calm, cool, collected, and kind when someone is being completely the opposite to you. Our natural first defense when we feel someone is not being nice is to reciprocate the favor. If you yell I will yell louder. If you throw a temper tantrum, I will out due your tantrum with one of my own, and so on. However, there is a better way.

I’m not sure when this actually occurred to me, as I really was of the total opposite thought process for my entire life. But at some point of watching my parents always stay calm and kind even when others were not, I learned a valuable lesson: Kindness can be deadly.

For example, about a month or two ago I switched over to AT&T to get the iphone. I picked the plan that I thought was best, and signed up. When I got my first bill, I was shocked to see it was almost $500. I could not believe it. On closer inspection, I found that I had underestimated my minutes and picked the wrong plan. I should have picked the higher plan. I figured I would call AT&T and see what I could do.

Well the guy who picked up the phone might have been having a bad day, or just was used to dealing with angry people. He was not the nicest guy in the world. I explained my situation and asked if AT&T could do anything since it was obvious I picked the wrong plan and this was my first bill.

‘No. I’m sorry sir. AT&T will not refund any of your money. It is against policy. All I can do is change the plan from here going forward.’

I could hear in the tone of this guy’s voice that he was used to people exploding after this. It was almost as if he was bracing for it. I explained that Verizon (who I switched over from) used to fix this problem for me but that did not work either.

‘Once again sir, there is nothing I can do for you except change the plan going forward.’

This is where I have changed. Now normally, I would have flipped out on the guy, asked to speak to a supervisor, and screamed until I got what I wanted or hung up on. But being older, and hopefully wiser, I took a different approach.

‘No problem. I figured I would just call and try. If all you can do is fix this going forward, then please do. It is not your fault that I obviously underestimated my minutes.’

The guy, not used to the kind response, all of a sudden flipped his switch.

‘Yeah, it is pretty obvious you just picked the wrong plan. You know what, let me ask my supervisor if there is anything I can do for you. It never hurts to ask.’

I thanked him and he put me on hold. Minutes later he came back and nearly cut my bill in half. He said it was the last time AT&T would probably do that, but since I was new it was approved.

Maybe I would have gotten the same result if I would have made a huge stink, but it definitely would not have been that easy. Being kind forced this guy to react differently than he was used to. For a few brief moments, he was on the offensive able to help, rather than on the defensive trying to be nice when he does not want to. This also works in person as well.

My old mortgage company was located next door to a crazy Real Estate Agent. This person had a reputation in my state like no other. This person was known as the most selfish, untrustworthy person in the industry. In my few dealings with this person, the reputation turned out to be true. However, my kindness theory was put to the test many times.

Every time I saw this person I would get a dirty look. However, I smiled and waved back. ‘HEY!!! How are you today?’. The looks I would get were crazy because the person did not know how to react. They were used to the mean interactions with others on a daily basis. They had found a comfort in that. By being extra nice, even when I shouldn’t have, I took them out of their comfort zone and put them in mine.

It is very hard to continually be nasty to someone who is nice back. It gets annoying, old, and boring after a while. Why keep being nasty to someone who is never nasty back? It’s no fun that way. This is why kindness is more of a weapon than any temper tantrum, threat, or nastiness could ever be.

So the next time you want to let lose the inner rage on a nasty person, think of what being nice will do to them. Think of what a laugh you will get from their reaction. Think of what they will think after awhile of you being nice.

Don’t stoop to someone else’s level, b/c you think that is how to show them. Make them come up to your level, to your comfort zone. Life has taught me it’s just so much more fun that way.

My wife relentlessly works out the last few years. She started with simple walking, then moved on to jogging outdoors, then running on a treadmill, and now has progressed on to weights & exercise videos. For awhile though, she was strictly a walking/running enthusiast. She was not interested in any other kind of workout. But eventually she realized she needed to do more.

The reason is because her body had adapted to her regular exercise routine. It had gotten used to the running, so doing it four times a week was no longer a work out, it was a habit. When my wife finally started to explore other workouts, she began to see amazing results in her body. Her muscles started to take shape all through her arms and legs. She was sore for the first time in a long time but it paid off in her figure.

The reason she started to see success is because of the change up. A lot of us get into a routine with our workouts. We have the same weekly plan we have been doing for months on end. When you first started the workout, I’m sure you noticed some nice results. However, as time moves on, the results became less and less noticeable. This is because the human body is quite resilient.

The human body adapts to almost any situation for survival. If you begin running 2 miles every day, eventually running two miles will not do anything for your body. It will be used to the routine. This can play an important part in planning out your workouts. It is important to change up the routine so your body never gets used to the workout. This will help you get the most results out of each workout.

In jiu jitsu, wrestling, and swimming, for example, you never get the same exact workout. That is because it is impossible. When you wrestle or do jiu jitsu, you never know where the match will go because every match is different. Therefore, in each separate match you stress different sets of muscles. In swimming, the water is always moving differently so each stroke, especially for beginners like me, is slightly different than the last. Also, all of these activities incorporate the entire body, which also helps increase variety.

I am not big on weight training (although I love Kettle Bells), but even that requires a change up. Instead of doing the same bicep exercise, you switch it up by using different bars, grips, and ranges of motion. Working out is all about pushing yourself little by little. Each time you push further, your body thanks you for it shortly afterwards. Only changing up your workout will give you the extraordinary results you desire. I recommend changing up your routine at least every 4-6 weeks. The benefits will begin to show immediately.

Just ask my gorgeous wife.

I enjoyed the movie the Secret immensely. It was put together by Rhonda Byrne, who wanted to share it with the world after it helped her. It certainly helped a host of others, at least those with an open mind.

Notice on this interview, how CBS’s Bill Whitaker tries to lead the Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith down the path of slaughter. I think Mr. Whitaker did not have an open mind, and missed a good chance to gain some precious knowledge for his own life. I rather enjoyed what the Reverend had to say. I thought it reinforces a lot of the things I write about on a daily basis.

Enjoy Your Weekend…..

My sister sent me this quote yesterday she got out of a book my Aunt gave her entitled “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson. It is about dealing with change in the workplace. The quote, though, is from another author, AJ Cronin.

From wikipedia…..Archibald Joseph Cronin (19 July 1896–6 January 1981) was a Scottish novelist, dramatist, and non-fiction writer who was one of the most renowned storytellers of the twentieth century. His best-known works are The Citadel and The Keys of the Kingdom, both of which were made into Oscar-nominated films. He also created the Dr. Finlay character, the hero of a series of stories that served as the basis for the long-running BBC television and radio series entitled Dr. Finlay’s Casebook.

I love finding out about famous people I never knew about. Such is the great benefit of living in the crux of the information age. Anyway, here is the quote that inspired me to find out what kind of person wrote it…

Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, at times, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.

-A. J. Cronin