Yin vs YangThe Battle for Success in Life

In my last post I told you how I got my ass kicked on a regular basis. I’m sure you had a laugh. Such is life. Another childhood story about courage.

I’m sure many of you have a brother or sister, cousin or family member whose aim in life was to torture your existence. I have older boy cousins. They are about 10-13 years older than me. Their idea of fun when we were little was things like, filling my sneakers with tadpoles,driving me on a snowmobile and flipping it on purpose, to shooting BB guns at me as I run for my life. Those BB’s hurt like hell!

One summer I went to stay with my Uncle Jim and Aunt Lucile and my 3 older cousins: James, Joseph, and Keith. Boy did I have fun, there’s nothing like hanging out with the older kids when your 10. But along with acting cool comes a price to pay. Everyday we would do something together. Rather they would do something to the proverbial guinea pig …ME.

One night we watched a horror film together. I was really scared. Not even so much from the movie. I thought to myself “wow, I have not been harmed in some shape for or fashion today.  Somethings up…” Sometimes it was the usual rush and tackle. Other times their tricks were more cerebral. This time they devised a plan to lure me into one of their spare bedrooms and before I knew it I was ambushed. One lifted me by my legs and and the other lifted me under my arms. They placed me sideways like a pig in a blanket in an old rickety beat up metal folding cot.

FOLDED AND LOCKED IT!

Thank God when I was 10 I was a toothpick. They locked the latch as I am screaming bloody murder. I swore I would take my revenge on them and have their heads on a platter (who was I kidding I didn’t own any swords and didn’t even know what a platter was I was 10), as they stuck me in a closet, locked in a cot, my arms next to me, and only my head and feet sticking out of the sides. A living Chris in a blanket or a cot.

I yelled and did my best Hulk impression but nothing worked. I was stuck. To make matters worse, my cousin Keith, who was the youngest and most diabolical of them all, used to capture animals in the woods, some which he kept… They told me there were snakes in the closet, LOOSE!

I freaked. I honestly was in the closet for probably about a half hour. They both stood outside the door hissing for 30 minutes. Kicking and banging the door, while I was stuck in the dark closet. I was completely traumatized by this experience. So much so, that it carried over into later years. Anytime I got stuck in an elevator or a confined place I would completely lose my cool. Sweat would bead up and fall down my face frantically. I would start to panic and lose my breath. This stayed with me for a long time up until adulthood.  One time I was with my fiance (then girlfriend) in a store, and I started to sweat because it was crowded. I mean sweat, like heavily. Who wants to be next to the human water fountain?

A few years into college I took a summer job with a friend. We ran electric wires for outdoor lighting. The job was a summer thing so I was pretty bored of it. One job we had to run the coaxial cable from the deck of the house under a wooden deck, to the gazebo which was about 50 feet away. Under the deck was a crawl space about 2 1/2 feet high. This would give me enough breathing room to military crawl the entire way. However I had to be facing the deck, so instead I had to shimmy on my back the entire way. My friend who was a Marine got into a very bad car accident right home from the service and broke his back in 3 places. Suffice to say he couldn’t get under the deck. So I had no choice but to do it.

I started to freak out inside. Then I calmed myself down and realized I was the only person who could do this at that moment, it needed to be done and there is no choice in the matter. When your in a situation when it’s now or never sometimes you don’t have the luxury to rationalize. I laid down and started to shimmy, at first really slow. Then I started to think to myself, ‘WOW I am going to be attacked by a king cobra.’ I said to myself, ‘Self..’ lol.  No I didn’t say that.  That would make me insane.  I said ‘Chris, you are not in the closet.  That was 15 years ago. You are here in the dirt safe under a deck. Now sit up (no don’t sit up) and act right.’ That’s what my grandfather would say to me when I acted up as a young one. From that moment on my fear was gone. I actually got the job done faster than I thought.  After a while I actually enjoyed doing it. I felt like I could have brought a 6-pack and a few TV dinners down there to camp out for a week.

The point of this story is not about me getting tortured through out childhood. It’s to show how we all drag old memories into the present. We are not the past. The past is gone and it will never return. Conversely the future is forever tomorrow, and the only glimpse of the future you ever get is in the now. Don’t take your past failures or issues into the present. They are nothing but old baggage that’s out of style. Trash ‘em!  As people I feel we are much too hard on ourselves. We forgive others so easily but we forgive ourselves the least. Realize its a new day, and with that comes new opportunities. Courage is measured in many ways, staying resolute in the face of your fears is the building blocks of courage.

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Growing up I was always rather shy. I got picked on a few times in school. It wasn’t as if I was really afraid of other kids, rather, just unprepared. One time when I was young an older kid on our block used to pick on me relentlessly. I mean this kid would take ice cream out of other kids hands (I grew up in Brooklyn and there was a whole army of these type of kids)…Anyhow one day this kid made my little sister cry (mind you my sister was 3 and I was 8 ) I can’t remember specifically what had happen, but we got into an altercation over it and he punched me in the chin. It didn’t hurt all that much. For some odd reason I didn’t hit him back. My grandfather was standing in the window. I was shocked more than anything I guess. Probably a little too young to have an inflated ego to mend. Old enough to know that I just got punched by the neighborhood bully…

When I went inside my grandfather came over to me in a hurry. He said “Don’t you ever let someone take advantage of you, you do whatever you have to in the face of fear.” Actually….Being a WW2 Vet and tough as nails plus a very blunt man. It sounded more like “Come here! You see that guy over there? If someone bigger than you ever hits you like that again. You grab the nearest object and hit him with it. Then ask him if he still has a problem!” Now I am not promoting violence in the least. And neither was he, but he was saying something the older generation got well, stand up for yourself.

2 days later, here comes Niko (the same bully, a big Greek 13 year old boy, from down the block).. My grandfather the day before, cut down a Mimosa tree in our backyard. He sawed all the logs into pieces for the garbage men to take. In Brooklyn if you don’t make your garbage organized they have a habit of “not seeing it”. They were piled in a heap by the driveway. Niko as usual had something abusive to say to me, then pushed me over the logs..I fell, and for a split second even though I was afraid, reasoning measured the odds quickly and I figured they sucked. In one motion I grabbed a piece of log that would start a wonderful fire. Blam!!! I clocked him right in the forehead… He ran home crying.  Suffice to say he never bothered me again. Matter of fact we became friends afterwards.

My point to this story about getting my ass kicked on a consistent basis is this:

Courage is not about being a superhero. Superheros I am sure they are even scared putting on their tights! Even soldiers or trained combatants are afraid. Its not about having no fear. That’s a cliche. In real life fear lets you know something is not right. It’s a survival mechanism. It’s about being afraid and controlling yourself enough to do something anyway. That’s in situations with bullies, and in life. A great quote from the movie Three Kings “You do the thing you are scared shit-less of, THEN you get the courage. Not before.” A soldier remarks “well that’s a raw deal..” I guess so but look on the bright side, it’s through the doing of that which you are terrified of, you find out how courageous you really are. You find your capacity is limitless.

Courage

1.the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Sometimes we can forget what’s really important in life.

It’s meeting people like John Challis that helps put things back into perspective.  His message is Courage + Believe= Life.  It is a message we should all live by every day of our lives.  So go ahead and watch the video, but be forewarned:

Meeting John Challis will definitely change your perspective on life.

America is a giant competitive country built on a dream.  Any person has a chance to make a fortune and everyone is chasing it, especially where I live in the Northeast.  While being financially sound is a necessary goal, the path to getting there may not be as clear.  As a matter of fact, I believe it is hidden for good reason.  But instead of chasing the dollar, what if you could make the money find you?  Sounds crazy?  Maybe not.

Let’s break it down to basics.  You grow up, leave your nest (some earlier than others), and are forced to sink or swim.  Each of us have many options and ways of making money.  What happens is, we tend to focus on the short term.  I need $2000 for expenses this month, therefore where can i get a job making $2000 or more.  Though this seems logical, and it may very well be, but it is extremely short sighted.

The only way to excel in this world is to do what you love.

Whatever that is, you do it to the best of your ability and I guarantee money will attract to you like a magnet.  It will come out of the woodwork and feel like it is falling off trees.  When we do what we love, it no longer becomes work.  It becomes a challenge, a game, and it is fun every time.  Success, money, and opportunity all come knocking eventually.   It just takes time.

For me, this love is film making.  Whether a commercial, short film, or a dance recital, I love to create something from a puzzle of moving images.  Since I was little, all I did was watch movies.  Not that I sat on the couch all day, but if I was watching TV, it was not a show, it was a movie.  Any movie.  I have seen movies made in Africa, Australia, France, Japan, Russia, Taiwan, China, India, Iran, France, Italy, Spain, Mexico, South America, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Iceland, and countless other places.

I have also seen thousands of American movies before my time including silent films, early talkies, musicals, film noir, and anything else I could get my hands on.  I went to film school with a voracious appetite for film and I ate up everything I could. I soaked up as much knowledge as possible.  I even worked on countless other people’s films multiple times for free who never returned the favor.  However, I never got mad.  Not even once.

Now, the reason I saw all these films and dove head first into the world of film making, was because I love it.  I was gravitating around it my whole life.  I didn’t have to force myself to watch all those films or go to all those shoots on my own dime.  I did it for myself, because I wanted to.

Yet, when I graduated film school, I was torn.  I wanted money to live the life I was used to and film making was not bringing me any money anytime soon.  So instead of sticking with my dream, I went on a two year chase after the almighty dollar only to wind up in more debt than I ever have. I was chasing the dollar in my head, but in reality it was getting further and further away.

It was only when I was pulled back into film making by a friend that things started to turn around.  Since then, I have been asked numerous times at Jiu Jitsu if I have been working out extra.  They ask if I have started going to the gym because I feel stronger to them.  I laugh because it is not physical strength.  It is mental strength.  My head is at a better place now, therefore my body is much more in tune with it’s desires.

Doing what you love is one of the hardest things to accomplish in life.  It is a struggle up a mountain filled with people yelling at you to turn back.  It is only those with the resolve not to listen that wind up in a place those detractors will never see.

Doing what you love will make you rich, not just financially, but spiritually as well.  And the best thing of all, is it comes to you.  Just keep on grinding.  The apex of the mountain is just over the bend.

Today, after training this morning, I was driving home by myself.  My Jiu Jitsu school is located about a good 25 minutes away from my house.  The ride is quiet, through the backroads and farmland of North Brunswick, Jamesburg, Monroe Township, and Englishtown NJ.  There is not much to see except some old houses and lots of empty land.

I had the radio off and my mind was just wondering.  I was trying to drive and type in some notes on my phone to remember some of the thoughts I had.  This is not recommended.  However, it got me thinking.  Most of my blog ideas, my creative inspirations, and all sorts of ideas, come to me during my alone time.

The Dalai Lama recommended we spend some time alone with ourselves each day.  Well, if the Dalai Lama is not good enough for you, little old me is going to elaborate on it.  Spending time alone each day is a simple way to get the most out of yourself.  There are countless reasons, but the main reason is…

Spending time alone actually can increase your productivity.

When you are alone, you are not forced to think.  Your mind naturally, and calmly, wanders away.  It reviews whatever thoughts may be lingering in your head.  It cleans up some of the muddled mess that our minds become during the work day.  It also gives us a chance to breathe, which in turn helps our whole body, mind & spirit relax.

Now, many people know the benefits of a nice walk in the park, or quiet car ride, or an outdoor lunch, yet they still do not make time.  The day is filled with things to do that seem much more important.  I mean, how does going for a walk in the park help someone be more productive?

The answer is it clears your head.  Simple as that.  It gives you a chance to regain your thoughts in the solitude of your own head. It takes you out of the fire of everyday life and gives your mind a chance to rest.  This, in turn, helps your mind work at full capacity once it gets back into the swing of things.

Think of it like a wrestling match.  You wrestle until you get really tired.  Then you relax, grab a drink, and get right back on the mat.  Now, think of just wrestling straight through without ever stopping to rest or take that drink.  Who do you think is going to be a more productive wrestler? The one who had the break?  Or the one who did not?

Your brain works the same way.  Give it a chance to relax and regain its composure, and you will be twice as productive without the rest.  Your brain is a muscle.  It needs time to relax just like any other.  So spend some time alone with yourself.  Give your brain a chance to sort out its thoughts.  Your body will thank you for it, and so will everyone else around you.

I would love to start a discussion of how people spend their alone time and how it helps them.  Our minds could all use the advice, so please do comment.

Alright, it’s time for me to get to work.  I’m looking forward to my alone time already.

What does it mean to be truly ‘great’ at something?

People talk all the time about how they want to be great, but what exactly are they hoping for?  It’s not always the same b/c people’s definition of greatness varies.  However, there is one quality that is found in all great people.  It is the one quality that we all should strive for as our top priority, yet many of us never do.

Before we get to the quality though, let’s define greatness.  Oxford American dictionaries defines it as ‘the quality of being great, distinguished or eminent.‘  Basically I would interpret that to mean being well known for your continued success.  To be great, you have to be better than everyone else.  You have to raise the bar to a new level of success by continually winning time and time again.

True greatness in any competitive field varies from person to person.  Everyone has different qualities that make them successful.  Some are patient, while others are agressive.  Some are smart while others are relentless.  There are many different qualities that can stand out as the quality that makes them successful.  However, there is one quality they must all have.  It is the one quality we all need to strive for above anything else.  That quality is ‘consistency.’

Consistency is the one quality all great people must have.  Michael Jordan wasn’t great for winning one championship.  Tiger Woods wasn’t great after winning one major.  Donald Trump wasn’t great for making one deal.  All of these great men stayed consistent.  They stuck to their guns and played their respective games at an unparalleled level of consistent greatness.  All have had their ups and downs, but kept on pushing.  Greatness wasn’t something that happened by chance.

I know that I used to overlook consistency.  For instance, if I was hitting baseballs in a batting cage, I was always trying to hit one great shot instead of learning to be consistent with my approach.  Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) taught me this lesson physically.  In BJJ, as you rise in level, you can’t continue to just try and apply a move. So I can’t just go for an arm bar all at once.  I have to fight battles and use tricky set-ups in order to execute each step of the move.  I have to be consistent in my approach so I can reach a level of execution that is almost unstoppable.  The same is true in life.

The best BJJ guys in the world don’t just throw you on the ground an beat you up.  They consistently use the same moves.  You may know they are coming, but you are not stopping it.  It consistently works, they consistently win, and that is the definition of greatness.

That’s why consistency is the most important and common quality in great people.  It’s what we should all strive for.  So don’t say ‘I want to be great….’.

From now on it’s ‘I want to be consistent.’

I came across this video on YouTube and had to share. It is another inspirational video about a person who overcomes obstacles others couldn’t even imagine. The story is about Patrick Henry Hughes, and his dedicated family.

Life would be so much better if we only worried about the things we have, and not the things we don’t. It may not be how we intended, but that does not mean it can’t be everything we ever dreamed.

Enjoy….

Most people out there always talk, or worry about how much money they make. They compare salaries for jobs. They get second jobs to supplement their income. They leave jobs to go make more elsewhere. Everything they do in life is based on the final end of year income. How much did that W2 or 1040 claim you made for the year?

Well, I’ve learned that this is the absolute worst way to judge your financial situation. In fact, it doesn’t matter how much you make. Your financial situation has very little to do with your income. It has everything to do, though, with your expenses, or what I like to call your ‘outcome’.

Expenses are the key to getting rich. As Robert Kiyosaki said in his book ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’, the definition of wealth is how many days you can live without working. In order to live everyday without working, you must have more passive income than expenses. Passive income is defined as income you gain without having to do any physical work (i.e. collecting rent checks, music royalties, stock dividends, etc.).

In our education system, they teach us to do well, go to college, and get a prominent job with a great salary. However, let’s look at some of the jobs. Most doctors go to school for umpteenth years, and then get out and have to build their practice. They make nice incomes, but they also usually have very high expenses due to student loans and the cost of their education.

A doctor may make over $200,000 / year. But add in a family, education bills, insurance cost, taxes, natural debt, and everyday expenses, and your ‘Outcome’ is maybe about $50,000/year. Now let’s take a cop. A cop does not have to go to school for that long, if at all. He makes a salary of somewhere b/t $60 -$100k (at least in NJ). That sounds like a lot less than the doctor, but it’s not.

The cop has very little, if any, expenses. Being a cop, he gets a lot of ‘privileges’ and connections in the town. He spends very little money on anything except everyday expenses. He also only works 4 days/week, so he has 3 days to do something else to supplement his income. At the end of the year, he probably had the same ‘outcome’, if not better, as the debt-ridden doctor.

Now, not every doctor is left with student loans. Not every cop is debt free. It is not necessarily the job I am criticizing. I am speaking about the thought process this country teaches in its education system. They expect you to want to go out and make the highest salary, but they don’t teach you anything on how to handle your expenses, how to properly buy a home, or how to balance your finances. They expect you to learn it on your own.

Until a good friend handed me ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’, my financial education was non-existent. I thought you got rich by making the most money every year. I didn’t know anything about passive income, balancing finances, or even what the real definition of being rich is. After I read this book, and countless others like it, I started to understand what it means to be wealthy. I made it my goal to further my financial education every day.

This made my goals easier to choose. It made decisions easier to make. I now had an education to base them on. The one thing that definitely stood out was….it’s not your income, it’s your ‘outcome’. It does not matter how much money you make, it’s how much you keep. Controlling your expenses is the key to getting rich, not your income.

I’m curious about everyone else’s take on the lack of financial education most Americans have. Feel free to comment on any situations you have experienced in your life that may be related. I’d love to start a discussion on this topic so we can all learn a little more…..

My mother sent me this, as she received a chain letter. I’m not in to those sort of things, but this one has some incredible sayings worth reading and digesting over the course of the day. I was supposed to send this on to many people, but I figured this is a much better outlet.

From the letter….

This is a nice reading but short. This is what the Dalai Lama has to say for 2008.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s.

• Respect for self
• Respect for others
• Responsibility for your action

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms for change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good honorable life. Then, when you get older and think back, you will be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the Earth.

16. Once a year, go some place you have never seen before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love & cooking with reckless abandon.

Last Thursday, I received my purple belt in Gracie Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It was quite an accomplishment for me. For those that don’t know, the belts in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu go (from low to high): white, blue, purple, brown, black. Getting a purple belt usually takes 3-5 years (took me 4), if you stay consistent and progress. The cool thing about Jiu Jitsu is there is no test to get any belt. You just are ready when someone tells you you are. So getting a purple belt is quite significant because most people don’t ever get that far.

It took a little while for it to sink in, but one of my close friends who also got his purple belt brought it up to me. He remarked how it had been quite a journey. Recollecting, we talked about all of the people we had seen come and go for various reasons. All of them could have been as good as us, if they had only stuck with it. It’s funny too b/c these people will return to the school once in awhile. They smile, and talk about how much they miss it. They bring up the excuse that is keeping them from coming. Then, they sit and watch. You can always tell how mad they are that they did not keep up with it. They know, as well as we do, that all they had to do to be where we are at is to keep going.

Keep at it. That is the lesson that popped in my head. Many people never give themselves a chance to succeed. They look for short term glory and lose their drive shortly thereafter. People tend to not look at the big picture. In order to be successful at something, you have to be doing it. If I want to be a successful film maker, I can’t just think I will pick up a camera and be him. It takes years of experience. The business world is all about competition. And do you think you have a chance competing against someone in your field for 10 years on your first try? Chances are, you do not. It takes patience, persistence, practice, and perseverance to succeed at anything.

Hoping for short term success in anything is simply short sighted. That goes for anything from playing a sport, to playing the stock market. Experience is the only way to gain wisdom. If you have short term success, all the better. But looking for it is not the way to go. That’s like getting disappointed every time you don’t win the lottery.

The purple belt was a great compliment to everything I’ve done in BJJ. It’s nice to have something to look back on. I worked at least 3-4 times a week for almost four years to get to the level I am at. There were many ups and downs, but I stuck with it nevertheless. I hung my blue belt in my new office to remind me of this through the ups and downs of my new business.

Whether going through the ups, or dealing with the downs, the important thing is to just keep moving forward. After a while, you will have a lot to look back on.