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Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

Every Monday is personal development through Jiu Jitsu…

“Sometimes your the hammer, sometimes your the nail.”

This is a saying everyone at my Jiu Jitsu school knows. My instructor is a big fan of repeating it because it sums up exactly what Jiu Jitsu is all about. In Jiu Jitsu, MMA, and in life, in order to truly master something, you must understand all aspects of it. You can not possibly master Jiu jitsu without understanding what it’s like to be both the hammer and the nail.

Being the hammer means you are putting a beat down on the nail. Being the nail is the opposite, meaning someone is putting the beat down on you. Everyone who comes into Jiu Jitsu wants to, and sometimes expects to, be the hammer. You’ve seen people train on the UFC, and you’ve watched some of the moves on YouTube, so you think you are pretty well prepared. Maybe you even have a wrestling background, or are an animal at the local gym. Regardless, you walk into that first class with the expectations of a champion.

Learning off Experience

This is where it can all go wrong for a first timer. No matter what your background is, and no matter how tough or in shape you are, there is nothing that can fully prepare you for Jiu Jitsu. It is similar to other types of ground fighting, and yes, you need to be in good shape, but neither of these are the obstacles that will stop you from becoming the hammer. The true obstacle is experience.

Experience is what makes us who we are. In order to become the hammer, you must first be the nail. There is no escaping it. Even if you come in and do well against other white belts, you are not going to hang with the other practitioners who have been sweating on the mat 4x a week for the last few years. Simply put, experience trumps all else.

The same goes for life. As humans, we have a habit of pumping ourselves up with these enormous expectations. We dream of being the hammer in everything we do. Yet, when we become the nail, a myriad of excuses flood our mind. It can’t be. There must be something wrong. How could someone like me not do well?

It is because of the lack of experience. If you are inexperienced at something, why would you think you can do well against other, more experienced individuals? We have a word for people like that. They are called prodigies. Prodigies, as we all know, are extremely rare. So unless you think you are a prodigy at something, maybe you should try and lower your expectations. Believe it or not, it actually will help you get to where you want to be.

The Roadblock of Expectations

The problem with the high expectations is that it actually stunts your growth. I have seen a ton of strong, muscular athletes come into Jiu Jitsu. They start out way above other white belts because they are able to muscle out of submissions, and muscle other inexperienced people into tapping. However, they also take the longest to develop. The reason is, because they can rely on their muscle, they tend to do so instead of learning the proper technique. So they tend to consistently play the hammer with white belts and get beat down like a nail by everyone else with more experience.

On the flip side, the person who comes into train Jiu Jitsu with no expectations is always the most dangerous. They simply approach it like anything else, and jump right in. If they lose, they get up and try again. If they win, they get up and try again. Neither matters, because during every match they are soaking up as much knowledge as they can. They are not worried about being a winner or a loser. They are only worried about improving.

If you can approach every challenge in life this way, you will find the road to success a much smoother path. I think a lot of the obstacles we face in life are of our own doing. Many times, myself included, we put pressure on ourselves to be who we think we should be, without taking into consideration who we really are.

A perfect example of this is my film career. In film school, I was so concerned with being the next film prodigy, that I almost gave it all up when it seemed impossible. However, now I realize I should have just been doing what I am doing now: working each day to improve at it as much as I can. Because, as the saying goes…

“Sometimes your the hammer, sometimes your the nail.”

Regardless, you are always learning, so learn to enjoy both sides of the coin.

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Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

Normally, today’s post is about personal development through Jiu Jitsu. However, today is not just any other day. First off, it’s Groundhog’s day. Secondly, in a few short house I will be leaving my 20s behind, and passing into the next phase of life otherwise known as my 30s.

Thirty years ago today (2/2/1979), at 1:22 pm, a 22 inch, 9 pound, 2 ounce bundle of joy arrived. I was the first child in my family, and the only male child for a long, long time. To celebrate this Yinvsyang style, I felt like writing a personal post to myself about what it’s like to look back on 30 years, and what to look forward to.

I can safely say that all of the previous decades I was completely unprepared for. I think your 30s is the first time in your life that you kind of know what to expect. In the teens there is high school, in your 20s there is drinking and college (not necessarily in that order), but in your 30s, you just kind of sail in unnoticed. Nothing much to look forward to age wise, except whatever you have going on in your life.

However, I am pretty excited about this decade. I figure I spent the last 29 and somewhat years learning what not to do. I am planning for my 30s to be the decade that I put all of those mistakes and learning experiences to good use. In light of this, I am going to list a few goals I have developed for myself to conquer in the next decade, not necessarily in any order…

1. Write a phenomenal screenplay
2. Make a movie
3. Have a child or two or three
4. Gross a million dollars for Reimagine in a single year
5. Get my black belt in BJJ.

Yes, these are some lofty goals, but if you are not aiming for the stars, where are you aiming? One of my favorite quotes, that my Dad sent to me, sums up my philosophy…

“The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” – Michelangelo

I think listing your long term goals on paper is a great way to inspire yourself to attain them. I would certainly suggest that anytime you have a birthday, especially a milestone one like 30, that you take the time to do so.

So let’s have a little fun for my birthday. I’d like to open up the comments today with a change of pace. I’d love to hear from all of you any advice, comments, or jokes, you have about turning 30. Let me have it!

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I swear on my life itself, if you don’t read this post in its entirety, stumble and comment on it, I am going to find you wherever you are and we will see if you EVER dare skip through a post of mine again. You HEAR me?! Now GET TO IT!

10 years ago, that probably would have been my approach as a blogger.

I had that bad of a temper. I could not deal with people thinking they were getting over on me, or someone who thought they were better, smarter, faster, stronger, or whatever.  I was ready to fight over anything, because I thought that was how I had to be.

Then, right after my freshman year of college, a strange twist of fate occurred.

My parents, with a partner, bought 86 Acres of land in central NJ. They went through the HUGE undertaking of turning it into one of the finest Day Camps in the area. Suddenly, at 18, I had a top management position in a camp with 600+ kids and over 250 employees.

Trial By Fire

Managing employees can be tough for anyone, but as a hot-headed 18 year old, it was definitely trial by fire. Most of the employees I supervised were middle aged adults working through their summer vacation. Believe me, they did not care what I thought or have any respect for my ability to make decisions.

How do you handle people who have no respect for you?

At 18, steam & SCREAM! was my style of choice. With the conviction of a revolutionary, I would charge into my Father’s office, face red as an apple, detailing why this problem employee needed to be fired, or maybe even shot. Their disobedience was hurting the day camp. Something needed to be done now or else!

Each time my parents would have the same 2 reactions:

1. They agreed I was correct in my assessment. The employee was not acting up to par.
2. They criticized me for losing my temper and overreacting. “Let it go,’ they would say.

This left me feeling betrayed. I was only doing my job. How could they let someone walk all over me, or even them? Why don’t they flip out? They said I was right, but they do nothing? I understood day camping was an 8 week gig and, with only 3 weeks left, finding a replacement for a sub par employee was next to impossible, but did that mean we had to take shit too?

True Strength

Whether a problem employee or client, my parents always remained diplomatic. They never would never lose their cool, or display any emotion, even if the other party did. By remaining calm, they remained in control, focused intently on finding a resolution.

My parents showed more strength in being diplomatic then they ever could have in giving into their emotions like me. I learned that winning each battle is not what’s important. As a matter of fact…

“..it’s not those you fight, but rather which battles you strategically avoid that determine the success of a war.”

These first-hand lessons were a great factor in my development as a business owner. I learned that true strength is not shown by your reaction, but rather by your restraint. For those that are like the younger me, and don’t quite understand the secret strength of diplomacy, I have created a short list to give you….

5 Reasons to Flex Your Diplomatic Muscles

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1. Gain Perspective

If you find yourself in any kind of conflict, business or personal, try to visualize the other person’s perspective. There may be something you are not seeing from your side of the argument. By taking the time to see it from their point of view, you will open up a clearer picture on how to properly douse the flames they are trying to fan. Sometimes, understanding the other person’s perspective leads to the best solution for both parties.

2. Gain Respect

In the dog world, the Alpha male of any pack rarely fights, even when he is bitten. By simply showing that he can not be hurt, the other dogs give in before the fight even begins. An Alpha Male knows their true strength, and will avoid at all costs having to display it. They earn more respect by not fighting a battle they know they will win, then they ever could by winning it.

3. Chit Chatter Matter

People love to talk. Don’t give people a reason to make your reputation the #1 topic of their ire. Every person plays some part in the community. Try to quell all fires before they spread by listening and addressing the upset person’s concerns, even if you feel they are wrong. Sometimes, just being given a voice is enough to steer people back in the right direction.

4. Brain Power

Ever try to think clearly under duress? Not the easiest thing in the world. Well this goes for when you get emotional as well. As soon as that temper flares, your brain is no longer clear to think for itself. It becomes consumed with feelings, emotions, and racing thoughts. Staying calm is the only way to keep a clear head. Sometimes people like to yell & scream because they feel you are not listening. Try focusing on what they are trying to say, not how they are saying it. Eventually, they will stop screaming because they will find it a waste of energy.

“The person full of emotion displays no control. The person full of control displays no emotion.”

5. Focus

Just like Brain Power, keeping your focus is important, especially on the big picture. Day to day, every battle can seem like life or death, but the truth is, most of the time those battles are forgotten about in a short while. Don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment. Stay calm, cool & collected. Focus on what your goal is, and don’t let anyone’s emotion, including yours, cloud that focus.

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In Jiu Jitsu, life is all made pretty clear right on the mat.  You can always tell if a new guy is going to last by the way they handle competition.  Those who thrive on winning, and throw temper tantrums when they lose, never last too long.  Instead of learning the most consistent ways to be effective, they spend the entire time trying to find cheap, lucky ways to win.

The people who last in Jiu Jitsu typically react to winning and losing exactly the same.  If you looked at their face right after a match, you wouldn’t be able to tell the outcome.  They lose, they move on.  They win, they move on.  Either way, they are just happy to be competing.

The same goes for life.  Don’t let the ups and downs of life define who you are.  You define who you are, this way the ups and downs in life are all just a part of one big ride.

Since I have started this blog, I have displayed videos about a blind painter, an armless guitar player, and a crippled musician born with no eyes.  All have achieved unparalleled success by hurdling obstacles no one thought were possible to clear.  The one universal theme in these inspirational stories: the individuals did not let their situations in life define them.

They defined their own life simply by being themselves.

For many people, their life is sadly defined by things like a prestigious job, a wonderful car, good looks, or a big bank account. However, to quote an old proverb, ‘there are good times and there are bad times.‘  Life’s only constant is change.  You should never feel too good when you are up, or too bad when you are down because it is inevitable that you will be both.

If you are going to go through ups & downs anyway, why be mad about it?  You should enjoy the journey rather than fighting it. Besides, the down times produce invaluable lessons, and the good times leave you with lasting memories.  So either way it’s a win.  Just because life changes, does not mean we have to.  We should be the same person no matter what.

Our situations in life do not define who we are.  Only we do.  So says the definition of life itself…

Life: the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

Whether it is an ‘up’ or a ‘down’ time, it is all just one part of a long journey called life.  Try to remember this when approaching the highs and lows of your own life. Face them both with the same demeanor.  It is a valuable lesson that can take a lifetime to learn.

Luckily for me, Jiu Jitsu is a much quicker teacher.

He dares to be a fool, and that is the first step in the direction of wisdom.  ~James Gibbons Huneker

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.  ~Elbert Hubbard

This past weekend, I was in Cape May, New Jersey for the first time.  What a beautiful, wonderful place pulsating with history.  A little known fact about Cape May is it is the only ‘entire’ town to be declared a historic landmark in all of the USA.

Cape May is also a beautiful beach town and America’s first summer getaway.  Perfectly located where the Delaware Bay feeds into the Atlantic Ocean, it is a town that benefits tremendously from its thriving sea ports. It was at one of these where my wife and I purchased tickets to take a boat out to see dolphins and other animal life.  The tour took us out of the cape and through the nutrient rich waters off the southern tip of NJ, until we finally found a group of dolphins.

These handful of dolphins happened to be hunting.  We could tell this by the way they were swimming.  They would team up to swim circles around a school of fish causing panic among them.  Then, the dolphins would each take turns swooping in for the catch.  We, of course, only saw them when they surfaced, but the tour guide painted the picture down below for us.

In case you do not know, dolphins are extremely intelligent creatures.  They are mammals in an ocean filled with fish and use their resourcefulness to survive.  We could learn a thing or two from these dolphins.  We could learn even more from the school of fish though.

A school of fish are all individually equal, but incredibly on their own.

Even though they swim with one another in the same direction, the minute there is danger lurking, they all scatter in fear.  This panic, caused by a moment in which they are forced to act individually, leaves them in their most vulnerable state, and ripe for the picking of a hungry predator such as the dolphin.

Life is very similar to me.  Staying with the pack gives you the illusion of confidence.  You feel the safety in numbers, much like the school of fish.  This many fish can’t be wrong, can they?

Of course they can, and truthfully, they usually are.  Staying with the pack gives you the illusion of confidence because you are following a path someone else has set.  The majority have decided to follow as well which is why it feels like the right thing to do.  However, history has shown that staying with the pack is the least safest place to be.

Life is going to throw every one of us giant curve balls, some more than others. It is during these moments that we are defined as individuals.

However, if you have followed someone else’s decision making for the majority of your life, then you will not be prepared when it comes time to make your own crucial decision. Many of us follow the majority because we fear being wrong.  Our education system has taught us that we should not make mistakes.  We should all strive to be perfect.  This is the same education system that claims no one is perfect.  Basically, they are teaching us to strive for the impossible.  When we don’t reach that plateau, we feel like a loser.

However, those of us that look past the judgments, and continue making decisions for ourselves even after we fail, are the ones who will be prepared, and ultimately, successful.  We are the dolphins who will swim circles around the rest of the pack if and when it is necessary. We are the ones using our brains, like mammals were intended to do.

Sometimes the pack heads in the right direction and sometimes they don’t.  Only by thinking like an individual are you able to tell which direction is best for you.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.  Alan Cohen

It is very rare in life when an athlete who is the absolute best ever to compete in his sport also happens to be one of the most influential human beings of his time as well. There are not many that come to mind, if any.

But that’s probably why they are not referred to as….. ‘the greatest of all time.’

Siddhartha is an extraordinary book written by Herman Hesse. I read it while I was in college after reading an article in the NY Times about a guy on parole who straightened out his life in prison mostly because of this book. I decided to give it a try.

It was incredible. It truly opened my eyes to what life was all about. The best way to describe the feeling is ‘enlightenment’. I would recommend it to anyone. And today, I am going to use one of the central themes of the book as a quote for the day….

“Knowledge can be taught, but wisdom comes from experience“

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Experience is one thing you can’t get for nothing. – Oscar Wilde