Not many people enjoy confrontation. Since I happen to be one of them, I figured I’d shed some light on why. Confrontation to me, is one of the most important aspects to understand & master in life. Without it, we can not move forward. Avoiding it causes us to move sideways, and ultimately backwards. Conquering confrontation allows us to excel in life.
What exactly is confrontation? Oxford American dictionaries defines it as:
…a hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties.
Sounds wonderful. So why do I look forward to confrontations? The simple answer is that only through confrontation can you to get a glimpse of other people’s viewpoints and ways of thinking. Consequently, it expands your knowledge. Plus, even simpler than that, most confrontations are unavoidable anyway. Basically, there is no logical reason to wait because your health depends on it!
Many people will do anything to avoid confrontations. One reason is a lot of people are not confident in themselves. They lack self confidence, a key trait necessary to deal with any confrontation. So your first goal is to understand the importance of having confidence to stand up for what you think is right. Even the times when you are wrong, the fact you stood up for yourself still garners respect.
I read recently about a company in California that actually gives out an annual award to employees for ‘the biggest failure with the best intentions‘. They call it the ‘Fail Forward‘ award. This worldwide, multimillion dollar company celebrates people who have confidence in themselves even when they are wrong because they understand it is those people who won’t be wrong too often. It is those same people willing to take risks and go out on a limb who have great success as well.
Have confidence in yourself no matter what because with every wrong comes the gift of an invaluable lesson. After all, wisdom is a product of experience, not knowledge. Armed with this wisdom, you are now ready for the next step:
Dealing with confrontation right away !
Confrontation can occur anywhere. It can be in the workplace, in the home, over the phone, in passing, or pretty much anyplace imaginable. Dealing with confrontation is an art unto itself. It takes time getting used to, but here is why the struggle is worth it: You are dealing with it anyway. In fact, by following this advice, you are going to deal with no more confrontation then you do right now. Actually, you are going to deal with less.
Let’s look at an example.
‘John’ works in an office as a web developer. He is working on a major web project for upper management. The project is due in a week, and John is under the gun. The workload is double than what he originally anticipated when he agreed to the deadline. To make matters worse, his Boss, looking like a child waiting to open her holiday presents, asks every day how things are coming. John nods, gives a ‘thumbs up’ and says things are coming great. He badly wants to impress his boss and disappointing her is not an option.
John is headed now for an unavoidable confrontation. He has to meet a deadline, but the workload makes it impossible. Not meeting the deadline is one option. Throwing together a crappy job with a lighter workload is another option. Either way, though, the boss is going to be disappointed. John has a major dilemma.
How would you handle this situation? Try to place yourself in John’s shoes (or Joan’s for ladies). Think about the stress of losing your job, having to start over somewhere else in a tough job market. If you are an entrepreneur, pretend the boss is a major client instead. Also, think about the human aspects, such as the pressure to succeed from the family at home. All of these things play a vital role in the feeling of ‘pressure’.
Pressure is a product of the mind. There is no actual ‘pressure’. It stems from the stress of not meeting others, or even our own, expectations. We say we feel ‘pressured’ because it physically feels like a heavy weight is on our shoulders and we don’t know how long we can hold it. Communication is the only way to make that ‘pressure’ disappear.
What John needs to do is confront the boss. He needs to tell him the truth from his viewpoint. ‘Hey, Ms. Boss, I am sorry but I have a dilemma. The workload on this project is double than what I anticipated due to the growth of the site since the deadline was set. In order to exceed everyone’s expectations and come in with the best possible product, I am going to need more time. If more time is not an option, than I am going to need help brainstorming some ideas on how to accomplish meeting this deadline.’
By laying out the facts as is, John has alleviated all of the pressure. He has made no demands, but instead has laid out the only choices he sees in front of him. His attitude suggests he is looking for advice, not being defiant, lazy, or careless. The boss can answer him ‘too bad, meet the deadline or you are fired.’ The boss can suggest some ways to help speed up the process. The boss may say she will work on extending the deadline. Whatever the response is, you are still coming out on top.
If the boss tells you ‘too bad, meet the deadline or you are fired,’ it may not feel good at first, but it should. Your boss has just given you invaluable information. Her response has communicated to you that the most important aspect of this project is the deadline. If that is the case, then that narrows your options down to one choice: throw something together and do whatever you have to to get it done. Obviously the scope of the project is not the priority. The deadline is.
Confrontation is a necessary form of communication.
If John were to wait all week, trying to finish up something he knows is not possible, he is wasting his own time. He is headed toward the same confrontation with his boss of not being ready on time. However, this time the confrontation is going to take place the day of the deadline. That puts John in a very weak position. The boss expects a completed project and has no other reason to think it is not going to be done. The disappointment is going to be triple for the boss, and she has no time to do anything about it. No explanation is going to be good enough now. It is too late.
This small example obviously does not mirror every confrontation. There are countless examples out there. Every single situation is different in one way or another. However, there is one common solution for handling any confrontation. HANDLE IT NOW. Right now. No need to wait. Get it dealt with and move on. Lingering confrontations can handcuff you mentally, make you physically sick, and bring on depression.
Picking the time to head them off and get them out of the way alleviates stress, reduces pressure, and gives you more control of the situation. Don’t wait for the inevitable. Have confidence in yourself and handle it now before it is too late. It may be scary at first, and scarier during, but afterwards you will treasure the relief of moving on.
Understanding the way humans communicate is an essential key to social life. We all have to interact with others in one way or another. This makes confrontation a natural part of life. Arguing is a way of expressing bottled up emotions that are silently lingering in our body. Communicating them to each other helps us move forward, so don’t be afraid of an argument. As matter of fact, look forward to them. Because open communication is not only a product of confrontation, it is also the solution to reducing it in the long run.
