Yin vs YangThe Battle for Success in Life

Recently, a friend of mine reached out to me about his problems. What transpired from our chat really opened up both of our minds. It’s quite amazing how trying to help people who no one else is willing to, can really help yourself.

My friend has currently lost his way in the world. His addictions have left him with no home, no family, no respect, and worse of all, a boatload of guilt. However, every chance my friend was ever given was never enough. Every hand that reached out to him was eventually bitten with regret for doing so. When everyone else said ‘no’, and someone believed in my friend, he would let them down every time.

People will say people like this are losers, addicts, weak, etc., and would probably be justified in doing so for the most part. I feel like even if they are all of these things, they are still a person who has accepted being so, something I find quite interesting. How does that happen? How does one settle to such a life?

As my friend and I were talking, he said something subtly that I couldn’t let go. He was speaking about his recent home in an island paradise, and how when he first went there, ‘I expected to find a wife, a new life, and happiness.’

At first, it was great. He was clean, had a job, a nice place, and some hope. But then life caught up when he lost his job after an argument with a co worker. He was denied unemployment, kicked out of his place, and had to live in a hostel because no one will lend an ex-addict money, not even family.

My friend confided how each experience like this digs a deeper whole in his soul. He is conflicted. On one hand, he says and believes he wants to be this ‘normal’ person with his own family, a job, and a small house somewhere. On the other hand, his actions show he chases every trail of debauchery he can find. This dual persona causes a deep depression and guilt for his choices in life.

As he was confiding this to me, I could not get over what he first said.

…I expected to find a wife, a job, a new life, and happiness.

…I expected….

That’s when it hit me. That was my friend’s entire problem. From day one, I realized he had this same reoccurring problem and it ruined his outlook. I also realized that is the same problem we all have. We all suffer from this, to one degree or another.

The problem is simply our expectations. Expectations play a huge part in our outlook on life. Think of it this way. If someone from meager beginnings grows up to get a small job, a wife, and enough money for his family to just live comfortably, they will feel great about their success.

If the same life was lived by someone from a wealthy background, they would probably feel like they were a failure. This is because, in their wealthy young life, they grew up expecting to live a certain way, at a certain standard. We all have these expectations, even now. We all picture where we ‘should be’ in life.

However, what if these seemingly motivating pictures (or goals as some may say) are the essence of our problems? What if when these pictures do not come true, we miss out on life’s true happiness simply because it is not as we pictured?

I think that is a major part of humanity’s issues. We all have these grand expectations for everything as human beings. We all do our best to live up to them. Some of us are even willing to die, or kill, to meet those expectations. Some of us are having a hard time dealing with not meeting those expectations, and are racked with self loathing guilt over it.

Life for me has changed as I have tried recently to forego all my expectations. Maybe it’s not so important where we are supposed to be. Maybe all that is important is where we really are, and what action we can take from there. Maybe we need to not only watch our own expectations, but also the expectations we place on others.

Think of all the times you expected someone to do something, or act a certain way, or do as you would have done in a situation. Think of all the times you were disappointed when people did not do as you thought. Then think about this.

If you never had those expectations, would you feel differently about those people? What if you just learned from those let downs? For example, if somebody blurted out a secret you confided in them, you would probably be livid. You expected they would keep it a secret. However, once they do not, isn’t easier to just understand that person can not keep a secret?

Instead, most of us, or at least me, tend to focus our energies on getting even, or getting back at this person for not meeting OUR expectations. I mean, who are we that we think we know the right way for everyone else to act?

Yet we all tend to think we do. We were each raised with these expectations for ourselves. They are not only self created. Our environments and life experience have played a major role in our expectations. Typically, these expectations define who we are, and our level of happiness in life.

Is it possible to forego all expectation in life. I actually think it is quite fun. It really opens up new doors you never imagined. While I spent most of my life closing all of these doors to people who did not live up to one expectation or another, I now try not to close any doors. Every person’s life experience can be useful in this world. Even people you loathe.

It may sound crazy, but try dropping your expectations for everything. Try not expecting the movie you go see to be great, or the dinner at the restaurant to be perfect, or the traffic on the way to work to be suddenly gone. Try just to take life as it comes, and roll with the punches. It has really helped me deal with many of my personal issues in life.

My friend was also taken back by this. For at least one night, his mind was opened, and there was a sense of relief. He wondered if maybe I was right. Is it possible the whole time he was just angry and could not deal with people living up to his expectations, including himself? Is it possible everything in his life would be different if he didn’t harbor these heavy expectations on his shoulders?

I don’t know. It’s just a thought….