Yin vs YangThe Battle for Success in Life

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Article by Peter J. Normandia. Follow me on Twitter.

Every Wednesday is Personal Development in business….

How many of you have ever built a bridge before? I’m not talking about a monstrous metal road connecting two pieces of land over a body of water. I am talking about the kind of bridges built between people. The kind that starts with introducing yourself and explaining what you do. Some people refer to this as networking, but I prefer the term ‘bridge builder‘.

In my business, being a bridge builder is extremely important. It is for any business, really. However, as much time as I have spent building bridges, I have also seen many of those bridges come crashing down in flames. To me, there is nothing more harmful in business than wasting your time on burning bridges.

Wasted Energy

We all have been there before. We have an expectation from one of our employees, outsources, or clients, and they fail to meet it. In fact, they fail so bad, it makes you want to harm them. You can not believe the disrespect someone would show you after how courteous and professional you have been. All of a sudden, you switch from nice Mr.Bridge builder to a wide-eyed, flaming Bridge Arsonist. A fury swells in your belly. You are determined to get revenge.

It is natural to want to show the client the mistake they made because we are emotional, and feel betrayed. It is the definition of being human. The problem with this approach, though, is the wasted energy you will spend to undo the work you already did.

For example, lets pretend a client you have bent over backwards for suddenly goes with a competitor because of a difference of a few dollars. Of course, being that you were loyal, you feel betrayed. Why didn’t the client come to you and tell you the situation? You may have even met the competitor’s price because of the loyalty the client has shown. But instead, at the drop of a hat, all that hard work you did gets washed down the drain. For a few bucks, the client has left you high & dry, and quite angry.

When you are loyal to people, and do right by them at all costs, you expect the same in return. When someone does not offer the same, we immediately feel hurt, angry, and our blood boils. We want to call the client and give them a piece of our mind. How dare they do this. After all you did for them, this is how they repay you? We’ll show them, right?

Wrong.

This is the approach of a bridge arsonist. A bridge arsonist spends some time building bridges, and the rest of the time burning them down at the 1st hint of trouble. They expect each bridge to be reciprocal. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. However, life, and especially business, is much more complicated. People are under pressure, and pressure can cause people to react in all sorts of crazy ways. As Jay-Z says, “Pressure busts pipes.”

The Siddhartha Approach

I found a totally different approach from reading a great book called ‘Siddhartha‘ by Herman Hesse. Without diving too deep into the story, the moral of the book is that judging people for the way they act is a waste of time because you can not change them no matter how enlightened you may be.

Each person makes their own path in life, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. Judging this path is actually harmful to you. Why judge something that can not be changed? Instead, Siddhartha teaches you to understand them. Reserve judgment and just see the path they are on. If they are disloyal, then you know they are disloyal. No need to be mad about it. Just make note of it for future reference. No need to bend over backwards for someone who does not show the same courteousness in return. However, there is no need to waste your energy making it a bigger issue than it has to be.

This may seem like the wrong move at the time. When we are angry, nothing will quench the thirst for revenge better than giving that client a piece of our mind. However, by doing this, and giving into our emotions, we become bridge arsonists. Think about it. You did all this work to develop this relationship, and now, at the first sign of trouble, you are ready to light the whole thing up in flames just to prove a point. You will spend the time going over the conversation in your head, then calling them to yell and make them understand they are wrong. However, another very human trait, is the failure to notice when we are wrong. Chances are, that client is not going to say,

‘Gee, you know what, you are right. I am an asshole. I’ll call that competitor and cancel the business. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.’

Unless your address is 101 Fantasy Lane, this is not going to happen. Most likely, the client will defend their actions, and never speak with you again. Instead of letting it go, you have just created an enemy, and burnt the bridge you worked so hard building.

The Comfort of Being The Better Person

The question is, why waste your energy trying to make someone else see the error of their ways? Instead, take solace in the fact that you know better. You are the better person, and there is no reason to have to make them live up to your high standards. They have shown their true colors, and you are thankful you have seen that. You now know the path they are on.

However, by not reacting to their actions, you leave the bridge standing. Sure, you may not ever want to do work for them again, but as my mother always said, ‘Never say never.’  Times can get slow, economies change, and businesses change as well. Plus, picture the client like a little kid near a hot stove. You warned them not to touch the stove. The smart people will listen, but many of us have to get burned before we really learn.

Let’s say this client goes to your competitor, and afterward, really appreciates your work. They realize they made a mistake. If you have burnt that bridge, they will still not come back. No one is going to come crawling back to someone after you make them feel like crap. They would rather try out 30 new competitors before they ever did that. It is just the nature of Humans.

The lesson is to give people a chance to see the error of their ways. Let them have the time to see what you know to be true right away. Do not yell, scream, or give into your emotions, because that guarantees you will never get business from them again. In addition, you never know who someone knows. You may meet another new client who is a friend of theirs. Imagine when they hear how you reacted from their friend. Chances are pretty good they will skip out on doing business with you, because they trust their friend’s word over a stranger.

Being the better person is a comfort we all can live with. After all, we have worked hard to become bridge builders, so better to spend that time continuing to build bridges, then worrying about whether or not they should still be standing.

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