Yin vs YangThe Battle for Success in Life

Writing about this is going to cause some laughter in my family. Growing up, I was the total opposite of what I am about to tell you. I had a huge issue with respect. If someone, in my opinion, was mean or disrespectful to me then I unleashed a hell hath fury like never before. What I’ve learned over the years, after much trial and error, is that kindness is more of a killer than any hell hath fury could ever be.

I’m not talking about being nice in general. That should be a given. I am talking about being relaxed, calm, cool, collected, and kind when someone is being completely the opposite to you. Our natural first defense when we feel someone is not being nice is to reciprocate the favor. If you yell I will yell louder. If you throw a temper tantrum, I will out due your tantrum with one of my own, and so on. However, there is a better way.

I’m not sure when this actually occurred to me, as I really was of the total opposite thought process for my entire life. But at some point of watching my parents always stay calm and kind even when others were not, I learned a valuable lesson: Kindness can be deadly.

For example, about a month or two ago I switched over to AT&T to get the iphone. I picked the plan that I thought was best, and signed up. When I got my first bill, I was shocked to see it was almost $500. I could not believe it. On closer inspection, I found that I had underestimated my minutes and picked the wrong plan. I should have picked the higher plan. I figured I would call AT&T and see what I could do.

Well the guy who picked up the phone might have been having a bad day, or just was used to dealing with angry people. He was not the nicest guy in the world. I explained my situation and asked if AT&T could do anything since it was obvious I picked the wrong plan and this was my first bill.

‘No. I’m sorry sir. AT&T will not refund any of your money. It is against policy. All I can do is change the plan from here going forward.’

I could hear in the tone of this guy’s voice that he was used to people exploding after this. It was almost as if he was bracing for it. I explained that Verizon (who I switched over from) used to fix this problem for me but that did not work either.

‘Once again sir, there is nothing I can do for you except change the plan going forward.’

This is where I have changed. Now normally, I would have flipped out on the guy, asked to speak to a supervisor, and screamed until I got what I wanted or hung up on. But being older, and hopefully wiser, I took a different approach.

‘No problem. I figured I would just call and try. If all you can do is fix this going forward, then please do. It is not your fault that I obviously underestimated my minutes.’

The guy, not used to the kind response, all of a sudden flipped his switch.

‘Yeah, it is pretty obvious you just picked the wrong plan. You know what, let me ask my supervisor if there is anything I can do for you. It never hurts to ask.’

I thanked him and he put me on hold. Minutes later he came back and nearly cut my bill in half. He said it was the last time AT&T would probably do that, but since I was new it was approved.

Maybe I would have gotten the same result if I would have made a huge stink, but it definitely would not have been that easy. Being kind forced this guy to react differently than he was used to. For a few brief moments, he was on the offensive able to help, rather than on the defensive trying to be nice when he does not want to. This also works in person as well.

My old mortgage company was located next door to a crazy Real Estate Agent. This person had a reputation in my state like no other. This person was known as the most selfish, untrustworthy person in the industry. In my few dealings with this person, the reputation turned out to be true. However, my kindness theory was put to the test many times.

Every time I saw this person I would get a dirty look. However, I smiled and waved back. ‘HEY!!! How are you today?’. The looks I would get were crazy because the person did not know how to react. They were used to the mean interactions with others on a daily basis. They had found a comfort in that. By being extra nice, even when I shouldn’t have, I took them out of their comfort zone and put them in mine.

It is very hard to continually be nasty to someone who is nice back. It gets annoying, old, and boring after a while. Why keep being nasty to someone who is never nasty back? It’s no fun that way. This is why kindness is more of a weapon than any temper tantrum, threat, or nastiness could ever be.

So the next time you want to let lose the inner rage on a nasty person, think of what being nice will do to them. Think of what a laugh you will get from their reaction. Think of what they will think after awhile of you being nice.

Don’t stoop to someone else’s level, b/c you think that is how to show them. Make them come up to your level, to your comfort zone. Life has taught me it’s just so much more fun that way.